


This Night

by brage



Category: Emergency!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Established Relationship, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M, Medical, Original Character(s), Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 17:35:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brage/pseuds/brage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can’t hurt him tonight.  Not tonight.  We’ve been together, exclusively together for ten years tonight.  We have a house, a dog and a hundred-gallon aquarium full of fish together.  We’ve been through the destruction and reconstruction of our families when we announced our love for each other.  We’ve been through the scare of the ‘gay plague’ together.  Hell, maybe that was the crescendo that made us decide to be exclusive.  We held our breaths until the results came in and we’ve not strayed once since that day.  Until tonight"</p>
<p>Off-camera dubious or non-con is mentioned during an alcohol-induced lack of memory.  Absolutely no details are mentioned, just that there is evidence it happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Night

He kisses me as I come through the front door.  The candles have burnt to small nubs of wax and have been long cold by now.  Dinner has been cleared from the makeshift picnic in the living room, in front of the fireplace.  He’s not mad at the late hour.  He should be but he isn’t.  He never is.  He understands the way things are being married to a doctor.  Married?  That’s a laugh.  But it is our tenth “anniversary” and he’s determined to make it a big deal even though I’m late, again. 

“I could heat up your dinner,” he says sweetly as he assaults my neck with tiny, butterfly kisses.  The kind that make me wild and he knows it. 

I fight back unshed tears for what I’ve done to hurt him tonight.  On this night.  On our anniversary.  He doesn’t deserve this.  I break away from him and I know I’ve left him stunned.  We’ve never given excuses, ever.  We feed off of each other.  If I need him to hold me or to make love to me, he does regardless of his mood because I need it.  If he needs me the same way, or in any way, I am there for him. That’s just how it is.  How it has been for ten years.  I know he needs me . . . he needs me on this night. 

I toss my briefcase on the sofa and pull at my tie.  He stood behind me, his hands rub up my arms and pull at my jacket when he reaches my shoulders.  He continues to assault my neck, in the back this time, and I let my head fall back as I see my jacket thrown atop my briefcase. 

“You okay, babe?”

“I’m fine, Johnny.  Just a really long day.”  Really long!

“What you need is to relax.”  Kisses on that groove between neck and shoulder.  Mmm, god what have I done?

A tear wells up in each eye.  I lean my head back onto his shoulder denying them the gravity they need to fall.  He unbuttons my cuffs.  We’ve been caught with my shirt inside out and off my body save for the damn cuffs wrapped tightly around my wrists.  He knows to unbutton them now.  He knows how much I love him to strip me in the foyer and lead me to the bedroom by my cock. 

My mind flashes to the pretty, twenty-two year-old nurse I had bent over my desk tonight.  He was tan, brown hair with a shock of blonde that fell in his face to cover sharp blue eyes.  He knocked and shut the door behind him when he came in, that shock of blonde pushed back by nimble fingers again.  He licked his lips. 

I didn’t have time to think before he’d unbuttoned his uniform shirt and was on my side of the desk.  I sucked him off quick and flipped him around pushing at his shoulders until he was displayed so prettily.  I didn’t stop, not even for a moment.  It was like, reflex?  I don’t even know what his excuse was for knocking on my door, but my dick was buried tight in his ass within five minutes.  I pounded him, hard.

His arms tangled up in his white shirt and bound behind him.  I wrapped them up tighter and used it as a handle for more leverage as I pounded into him.  I kicked his feet further apart and pushed him without mercy into my desk as I assaulted his ass.   I came inside him.  I came INSIDE him. 

The hands on my belt brought me back to here and now.  I grabbed Johnny’s wrists and turned to face him.  His eyes are glazed, pupils dilated, full of lust.  His lopsided grin melts away as he looks at me.  He sees something.  He’s not sure.  He bites his lip. 

I can’t hurt him tonight.  Not tonight.  We’ve been together, exclusively together for ten years tonight.  We have a house, a dog and a hundred-gallon aquarium full of fish together.  We’ve been through the destruction and reconstruction of our families when we announced our love for each other.  We’ve been through the scare of the ‘gay plague’ together.  Hell, maybe that was the crescendo that made us decide to be exclusive.  We held our breaths until the results came in and we’ve not strayed once since that day.  Until tonight.

Johnny was even bashed six years ago.  Hell, we’ve been through physical injuries too numerous to count given the nature of his job.  We’ve helped each other.  When my dad died, I wouldn’t have made it through it without Johnny.  I can’t hurt him tonight.  I love him too much, despite what I’ve done.

I kiss his lip where it’s trapped between his teeth and smile.  I take him by the hand and lead him to our bedroom.  When we reach the bedroom, I turn to face him.  The buttons on his shirt are undone slowly by my hand.  The same hand that . . .no, I’m determined to stay focused.  Johnny has my attention.  Not him. 

Johnny’s not touching or kissing.  He’s watching me undress him.  Finally the buttons are undone and his neck leads to chest leads to stomach leads to waistband and I’m appreciating the path by running a hand flat against his skin all the way down finally grabbing hold of his belt.  He gasps as I bring him in for a kiss, my tongue taking charge. 

I don’t know if he’d planned on topping me tonight or the other way around.  He’d obviously had something in mind.  I can’t let him top me though.  How could I let him do that?  How could I explain that tonight he’d have to use a condom?  No, not tonight.  Not on this night.

His pants and boxers fall to the floor and I reach behind him and clench a butt cheek in each hand pulling him forward into me.  I grind against his hips, still kissing his mouth.  His hands go for my pants,but I firmly place them on top of my shoulders and embrace him tightly, locking his hands strictly away from touching me. Tonight must be about him no one else.

I drop to my knees in front of him.  I put his cock into my mouth and attempt to suck out all brain function through the head of his dick. Maybe I can forestall the inevitable.  His head flings back and he puts his hand on the top of my head to steady himself.  I lick the side of his cock and go down further to his balls laving them with my tongue.

 My pants come undone with the quick work of one hand and I pull out my cock to stroke it.  Johnny is fucking my mouth well and good and I know it won’t take much longer.  I’m right there with ya, baby.  Suddenly he pulls me off his cock by my hair. 

“Bed, Kel.  I want you in me.  Now.”

Fuck!  I wait until he lets go and I pull his dick back into my mouth.  He won’t let me stay there though. 

“I want you tonight.  We’re not doing blowjobs and jackin’ off tonight.  I want you and I connected tonight.  Please.”

I look up at him with just the head of his cock resting on top of my open mouth.  I bite down playfully with my teeth and he squeals and jumps back. 

Alright.  I lead him to the bed and he lies in the middle, arm flung above his head, legs bent with his feet flat.  He’s staring at me.  My bare chest, my hard cock jutting out from the opening of my boxers and trousers providing a sort of frame for my manhood.  I smile at him looking at me with such want.  I wish I could tell him now.  If I was any kind of a man, I’d fucking tell him.  But, I can’t and so I turn away from him half way and palm the condom I’d put in my pants pocket before coming home. 

I shed the rest of my clothing and climb up to him, kneeling between his knees.  The lube is handed to me and I push two fingers into my lover’s ass while I try to work the condom on myself one-handed.  I have to tear it open with two hands so I pull my fingers out of his body, tear open the package as quickly as I can with lubed fingers and plunge them back inside. 

“You okay, babe?” Johnny’s voice is husky with need.

I freeze the hand working the condom and drop it next to my knee giving Johnny my undivided attention.  “Yea, I’m fine, babe.  You okay?  Feel good?”  I pump my fingers into him almost brutally.  It’s self serving and I admonish myself for the prick that I am, but he’s flung his head back and moaning in ecstasy. 

Finally, I have the condom on.  I lube us up even more and remove my fingers from him.  He’s looking at me and I read love, true and passionate love in those eyes and he’s waiting for me to take him to heaven.  I push in against him and feel the condom rolling back up.  I take my eyes off of him for a split second while I grabbed hold of the ring at the base of my cock.  I look back into his eyes and see the hurt.  More than that, I’ve shattered him.  Within one stroke of time, of my cock, I’ve completely broken him in two. 

He pales and his muscles go lax.  All of them.  He’s looking past me. 

He knows.

“Johnny . . . I’m so s. . .”

“NO, don’t.”  He pastes on a fake smile and shakes his head sadly.  “Don’t say anything.  Not tonight, Kel, not tonight of all nights.”  I try to open my mouth again but he puts a finger over my lips.  “Ssshhh.  Just make love to me,Kel.  For the last time, make love to me.”  His hips buck upwards and his legs wrap around my back.  I feel his hands rubbing frantically up and down my back as if he’s trying to take in as much touching as he possibly can.  As if he’s only taken for granted the touching he’s done in the past ten years. 

I push into him. Tears fall sideways from his face and into his hair, his ears and I know it isn’t because I’m pushing too hard.  I’ve destroyed him.  My strokes are delivered with mind-blowing care and tenderness.  Please, if this is all I am to have of him for the rest of my life, make it last forever. 

I’m not able to make it last forever.  I hold him close.  My face never moved more than a couple inches from his.  I couldn’t reach climax no matter how long I stayed inside him.  I was destroyed myself before I even walked in the door and now, his broken heart lying in my hands, I was finished for life.  Once Johnny came, it seemed selfish to keep going.  He let me hold him after, quietly sobbing in my arms.  I couldn’t say a word to make him understand.  Hell, I didn’t understand.  I kissed him goodbye and dressed. 

His voice stopped me at the door.  “Happy anniversary.”

The anger and vehemence in the words just about knocked me out at the knees.  I gasped deeply and hung my head before walking away from the only man I’ll ever love.  Happy anniversary, Johnny. 

 

 

I vaguely hear someone entering my hotel room.  Hopefully, they have a gun or at least a knife and murder on their mind.  I deserve it. 

The thick, red velvet curtains are drawn quickly revealing a bright sunshine day in all its glory.  Fuck.  Someone is definitely trying to kill me, alright.  I knock over the bottle of Jack Daniels I have on the nightstand when I yank the covers up too hard.  Oh well, there wasn’t that much left in it anyway. 

“Kel.”

It’s Joe.  Why the hell not.  Dixie’s been here twelve times in the last week and I lost count how many times over the last month.  I think she’s sick of cleaning up my puke.  I don’t blame her.  I told her to leave and never come back last night.  Sending Joe in her place instead doesn’t count.  That’s cheating.  I will have to fire her for that at some point. 

“KEL!”

Jeezus Christ get a fucking clue and leave me alone.  My stomach aches and I feel the nausea begin.  The thickness in the back of my mouth claims my attention despite how hard Joe is vying for it.  If I’m incredibly still, maybe it’ll just pass. 

I feel a nudge against my shoulder.  He is not going away.

“KEL!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?” 

“I want you to get the hell out of bed.”

He yanked at the lovely matching red velvet bedspread leaving me exposed.  He took in my appearance full on and gasped. 

“Yea, good fuckin’ morning to you too.”  I sat up feeling the gut-wrenching pain in my abdomen and reached for my covers.  I quickly snatched them away easily from his dumbfoundedness and cover myself before Joe can take in my pain.  I take in a solid breath, slowly.  God, I didn’t want to hurl in front of Joe.  “And I repeat.  What the fuck do you want?  I’m on vacation.  If I want to sleep until dusk, I can.”

“No, you can’t.  Not when you’re feeling this sorry for yourself.  No, you cannot.” 

I knew the covers were coming off again, but I was ready for it.  I held firmly but in the end he was stronger and threw them down on the floor. 

“My god, you smell like a damn brewery.  Get up.  Take a shower, shave and brush your teeth.  If you don’t, I will do it for you.” 

I curled up on my bed without benefit of covers and refused to open my eyes.  I wait for the pain and the nausea to subside a bit.  My boxers not providing quite as much warmth as I’m used to, I quickly made an executive decision to cover myself with my pillow.  It was a bit better.  Well, it was until the ice bucket filled with cold water was dumped onto my head. 

He had my attention now.  I’m on my feet and in his face.  He has my fucking attention.  “WHAT THE HELL!!”  That’s when I noticed Mike standing in the doorway, arms crossed like he’s just waiting for trouble.  I look back to Joe.  “Really?  You brought Mike?  How about if I save everyone the trouble and resign right now?  It’s not like I can ever walk back into my ER with my head high again, is it?  That’s great.  Take notes guys.”  I find my pack of cigarettes on the nightstand.  “Hell, take a picture.  The indestructible force of Kelly Brackett M D is fucking human!”  I light the cigarette and take a long pull.  “Who gives a fuck?” 

I plop down in a cheap metal and fake leather chair next to the little table in the corner of my room.  I let the smoke draw into my lungs.  My lungs feel like burnt toast.  Probably because my entire intake for last week has consisted of coffee, cigarettes and liquor—not in any order of importance whatsoever.    I fight the urge to clutch at my gut and the nausea wasn’t any better.  I hoped the cigarette would calm me down and I breathe it in slowly waiting for the imminent threat to subside. 

I take a small drink of the cold coffee in the cup from yesterday.  It’s liquid, which is its only redeeming quality. 

“You look like hell.”  Joe’s next to me placing a hand on my forehead.  I push it away instantly. 

“You’re not my mother.”

“Nope, I’m your doctor . . .”

“Your fired.”

“And your friend.  I’m here to help you.”

“I don’t need your goddamn help.  I want to be left alone.  Why is this concept so fucking hard to understand?  I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.  Do you need a dictionary?”

“Jeezus Christ, Kel.  Take a fucking shower already.  Put some clothes on and leave this room.  Eat some food.  Join the living.  You’re a mess.”

“Last time I checked, I didn’t have to answer to you.  I’m on vacation!”

“You’re not on vacation.  Maui is a vacation.  Cabo San Lucas is a vacation.  Being drunk for a week in a cheap ass hotel room right down the road from the hospital is NOT a vacation.”  He felt my forehead again.  I tolerated it for the moment.  Frankly, it’s just easier and I wasn’t holding myself together very well at all.  I didn’t want to fuck with him.  “You have a fever by the way.  How bad is the pain?”

I look at him questioningly and follow his gaze to my hand on my abdomen.  He guessed.  It was a good guess,but it wasn’t as though I was rubbing my belly or doubled over.  I shrugged. 

“So what you will be doing next is hitting the shower before we have you hauled in by the police.”

“I don’t need your shit, Joe.  Get out.  Take your body guard with ya.”

“Oh nonono, you misunderstand me.  I’m not asking.  I’m telling you.  You will get your ass in that shower and wash your stinky ass or I will have you picked up by the police and admitted to psych.  It only takes two doctor’s signatures and I think we got that covered, don’t you, Mike?”

“Yep, I think we got that covered.”

“So, you’ve got  two choices: (a) clean up and walk out of here with some dignity and come with me to Rampart where I can have a proper look at you or (b) we call the police and have you committed.”

“FUCK YOU!!”

“No, ‘fuck you’ was not one of the choices.  A or B?”

“Actually, Joe.  We won’t really need the police.”  Mike walked over to the telephone and dialed.  “Hello, operator.  I’m going to need an ambulance at the Biltmore Hotel on Evanston Rd.  Room 435.”  He paused.  “No, I won’t need a paramedic.  I’m a physician myself and I have man passed out drunk here.  No reason to bother the fire department, but I can’t just leave him either, you understand.  Just a basic ambulance please.”  He pulled a syringe out of his pocket.  “Thank you ma’am.”  He hung up the phone. 

I looked at him daring him to come near me with that syringe.  I gulped audibly.  Mike was young, virile, and had a look of determination.  I looked pleadingly toward Joe.  “Are you gonna let him do this?”

Joe looked at him and then at me. He gave me an appraising look and nodded.  “Yep.  I’ll help him hold you down.” 

I stood.  Mike uncapped the needle and came toward me.  “You have until the time the ambulance attendants knock on that door to get showered and decide that you’re walking into Rampart of your own accord.  If you’re not, I’m knocking your ass out and dragging you in anyway.  It is completely up to you.” 

“I’ll have your license you fucking prick!!”  

“Good!  Take it.  Do whatever you have to do, man.  I don’t care.  Just do NOT sit there and tell me about your life being so damn hard.  You have shit to do.  You have lives that still need to be saved.  You have a purpose and you’re damn lucky you know what it is.  Do NOT presume to sit there and tell me how you’re not hurting anyone and how what you’re doing is nobody’s goddamn business.  It’s MY business.  It sure as HELL is my fucking business when you toss a gift like yours down the toilet.  You aren’t hurting anyone?  Really?  You’re hurting EVERYONE!  You fucked up.  You fucked up a damn good thing,but no amount of wishing will change that.  You can’t take it back.  So now, all you can do is own it.” 

Christ. When did Mike get so chatty. I try to ignore what he said, but I know deep down he’s right, I just don’t give a shit right now.

“That’s right, it sucks but, you can’t change it, Kel.  You can try to make it right, you can apologize but you can’t change it.”

I bit my lip.  My cigarette ash burned forgotten in my hand. 

“I’ll tell you another thing.  If you think Johnny will take you back smelling like you do right now, you are sadly mistaken.” 

Take me back?  For a moment, hope flashes across my mind.  I’m tempted to interrogate him on what he knows about Johnny wanting me back, but I realized he knew nothing.  He was not speaking from knowledge, he was speaking from a place called hope.  I crush out the cigarette.  He doesn’t know Johnny at all.  There is no hope and this is bullshit. 

I stand wearily.  I flip the t-shirt off over my head as I make my way to the bathroom and shut the door just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.  God, this epically sucked!!  Finally finished, I turned on the hot water and answered nature’s call before I noticed a half filled fifth of bourbon on the counter.  Good, I need a pick-me-up.  I down it easily relishing the warmth that flowed through me.  Warmth is absent from my life without this liquid.  Sober is a very cold place and I cannot stand it.

I mourn the loss of my find as soon as I’ve swallowed the last of it.  Who knows when I’ll get another with these two yo-yo’s looking over my shoulder.  I know I’ll have to ditch them, but for right now, they’re not budging.  I strip off my boxers and finally climb inside the tub and under the water.  This cheap-ass hotel shampoo makes my hair look ridiculous, but I guess it looks kinda ridiculous now. 

I lather it up and feel the stream of soap run down my back.  Johnny used to run a finger upstream along my spine from the river of water and shampoo that would cascade down my back in the shower.  Then he’d rub soap into my back, into the crack of my ass . . . DAMMIT!!  I ball up my fist and punch the shower wall.  EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING REMINDER OF HIM!  EVERYTHING!!

“Kel!!”

Of course, now I’ve got way too many people in my bathroom for my taste.  “I’m fine, I’m fine.”  I hurl my guts up into the toilet and nobody gives a shit, but when I punched a wall, they come running??  What kinda shit is that?  I could’ve aspirated . . . or drowned.  Not that I needed them to hold my head or anything.  Just saying that their sense of urgency is a little twisted. 

Joe looks at me from around the shower curtain with a raised eyebrow. 

I tuck my knuckles behind me and repeat myself.  “Dropped the shampoo bottle.  I’m fine, Joe.  Jeezus Christ, I’m trying to shower here.  Get out.”  I hear him and Mike back out of the bathroom and I’m alone again.  Leave me the fuck alone. 

 

My shower was a quick one and I came out wrapped in a towel. 

“How much weight have you lost, Kel?”

“Ya know, I forgot to weigh in today, Joe.”

“Nevermind.  We’ll check it out once we get to Rampart.”

“I don’t need to go to Rampart.”  My clothes are laid out on the bed for me, jeans, sweatshirt, socks and underwear.  They must’ve dug deep inside my luggage for this.  Why didn’t they just bring it into the bathroom so I could dress in private?  Whatever.  I fling my towel off and across the room.  They wanna watch me, fine.  Hope you enjoy the show, boys!

I’m dressed by the time the ambulance arrives.  I think that says something about the response time that I could have a fight with my coworkers, puke,  piss, shower, shave, down a half bottle of bourbon, and get dressed in the time it takes them to get here.  I guess passed out drunks under physician supervision don’t get the lights and sirens. 

There is a knock on the door. 

“Are you going of your own accord or are we letting them take you?”  Mike is wielding his fucking syringe like it’s a goddamn sword. 

I’m half tempted to take the oblivion that syringe has to offer, but if they are forcing me to live this wretched existence, I’m not ready to throw away my career.  “I’ll walk in.”

“Okay.”  Mike put the syringe back into his pocket before he opened the door and stepped into the hallway. 

“Joe, what the hell are you doing?  We’re friends.  Why are you doing this?  Why did you bring him?”

“Yes, we are friends which is why I’m not sure why you didn’t come to me when you were hurting like this, Kel.  You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I’m not standing by and watching while you kill yourself.” 

Mike came back into the room.  Joe stood next to me and guided me to stand by the back of my arm.  I double over in pain and sit back down on the bed. 

“Kel?”

I held a hand up indicating to give me a minute.  The thick mucous coated my throat and tongue.  Oh, man.  This sucks. 

“Are you nauseated?”

I nodded.

“In pain?”

I nodded.

“I’m gonna give you a shot Kel.”

I nodded one more time and felt someone guide me back onto the bed and roll me over.  My jeans were hiked down on my hip and I felt a sharp sting.  It didn’t take long before I felt the affects of the medication and my symptoms started to subside enough for me to stand again. It took everything in me not to tear away and run for it.  Mike picked up my suitcase and, with one of them on either side of me, we walked away from the Biltmore Hotel. 

 

We pulled into the parking lot and I pasted a smile on my face.  I cannot walk in being anything less than fine.  The sign we walked toward says ‘Emergency’ in bold, blue neon.  This is my department.  It’s mine.  I run it and I am very well known here.  I am the rock that this place stands on.  I am the all-knowing guide; I am the end-all, be-all in this department.  I’ve been a patient here a couple times.  Minor stuff and then right back to work, but nobody sees me weak.  Nobody!  Not ever.  I won’t have it.  It’s simply not an option.

I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the glass doors as we enter.  I look like hell.  I turn back to look at Joe.  “I can’t go in there like this.”

“Kel, we had a deal.”  Mike is standing right next to Joe. 

I don’t look at him.  I look at my friend.  Don’t make me beg.  Please. 

Joe nods.  “He doesn’t mean he won’t.  He means if he does, he’s exposing himself too much.”

“This is about reputation?  Tough shit.  Let’s go.”

I flex my neck and blink.  Mike needs to shut the fuck up. 

“No, it’s no small thing, Mike.  He’s right.”  Joe turned to look at Mike.  “In his position, he’s right.  I want to save him, I want to help him but not to go back to a life that is absolutely unrecognizable.  He’ll be worse.  It’ll be yet, another obstacle to hurdle.  I want to help him fix this, this one thing and be able to move on.”  

“He’s an alcoholic!”

The word stung like a slap in the face.  What the hell is he talking about?  I’m not . . . that. 

“Which is no small thing either.  This ONE thing as you put it is a life-long thing.”

“Mike, for fuck sakes.  You’re over dramatizing a bit, don’t you think?”  I couldn’t shut up anymore.  “I’m not an alcoholic!  I’m just going through a hard time.  I’m fine.”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?”

_After I wished someone was coming to kill me?  The Jack on my nightstand._

“Did you drink behind our backs when you were in the bathroom?”

_Hey, that was just a good find._

“Have you thought about bolting and running to the next nearest bar you can find?”

_Fuck off._

“How do ya feel knowing that the next drink isn’t coming?  Not ever.”

_Hopeless._

Fuck.  He’s made his point and I have no choice but to see his point of view.  I turned and faced the doors again.  Once I’ve pushed past my reflection, I see that Dixie is in the triage area.  I let out a deep sigh of relief.  Nobody else is around.  This place is either feast or famine without any middle ground.  I’m thankful my mental collapse happened during a time when most of the staff is at the nurse’s station down the hall doing a crossword puzzle.  My office is so close.  I could easily take refuge in there.  Nobody would see me. 

“C’mon.  This way.”  Dixie is motioning for us to follow her quickly. 

We all pile into the last treatment room at the end of the hall, away from the nurse’s station.  I’m one wall away from my office which is sort of comforting.  I’d still have to knock down the wall to get to my office, but its close. 

Fuck.  She’s got this room all set up especially for me.  A lab tray is already here, the scale, a bag of IV fluids with vitamins in it—we call it a banana bag because it’s yellow.  It’s very distinctive because it’s the only IV fluid that is yellow and I know exactly why it’s there. 

I guess I was just standing there looking stupid because soon I feel Dixie guiding me over to the exam table and pulling at my clothes. 

“I can do it, Dix.”  I pull away from her vehemently.  I didn’t mean to.  I guess it’s just reflex now.  I take a deep breath.  I know these guys will tolerate my being an ass so far as I’m not a complete dick to Dix.  I’d be the same way.  They will kick my ass if I abuse her in their presence.  I muster up the strength and I look her in the eyes.  I see fear there.  I don’t know if she’s afraid that I’m so far gone I’d actually hurt her or if she’s afraid for me.  Either way, I hate myself for putting that fear in her eyes.  Slowly, I bring my hand to her face.  “I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

Mike and Joe answer in unison.  “Yes, he does!”

I smirk.  They’re right. 

“Let’s get you taken care of, Kel.  Don’t worry about me.”  She motioned at my shirt and held a gown in front of me. 

I peeled of the sweatshirt quickly and plunged my arms into the gown.  Before I sat down, I pushed my jeans down and kicked off my shoes.  Dixie bent down and pulled off my pants and picked up my shoes.  She put them into a plastic bag with my sweatshirt and tossed it in a chair. 

I heard Joe and Mike tearing packages open and setting things up.  The thought of just what the hell they have planned sends the heebie jeebies  crawling up my spine.   I’m not gonna try to guess. 

I sat back down on the table and before I can get comfortable, Dixie swoops in behind me grabbing my arm.  “C’mon over to the scale.  Let’s see how much weight you’ve lost.” 

I stood on it and Dixie makes it go clickety click.  I’ve lost twenty-five pounds in the last month!  Holy shit.  She didn’t look mad or sad or judgmental.  She just wrote down the number in my chart and motioned for me to go back to the exam table. 

I sat with my feet dangling over the side. 

“Just sit there for a sec, Kel.  I’ll take a listen to your chest while Dix gets your blood pressure.”

“Okay.”

I waited patiently and despite the fact that I have resigned to their help, a part of me still wants to leap off the table.  I spent the first three weeks after I left burying myself in my work as well as the bottle.  I functioned efficiently and never drank at work.  When it became apparent that every waking moment was simply more time spent in absolute despair, I asked for a personal leave.    I’ve been drunk for a week straight.  Most of it I don’t remember,but I remember when I was sober, I was miserable to the point of not wanting to be here . . . not wanting to be alive anymore.  The need for escape was all consuming.  So my times sober were spent getting more alcohol.  Each trip in sobriety was short lived with a primary purpose to find oblivion once again. 

I am frozen.  Joe untied my gown letting it fall to my lap so he can listen to my chest.  I was sitting on a cold exam table in a cold room, for the most part, naked and I was freezing my ass off.  The cold stethoscope against my chest was the last straw.  I flinched and started to shiver. 

“You cold?”

“Ya think?”

“It’s the DTs.” Mike puts in his two cents. “They’re a bitch.”

I roll my eyes.  It is not the DTs for fuck sakes.  “I’m just cold, Mike.  Will ya give it a rest?!” 

“Let’s get you settled in anyway.”

Fine.  I pull my feet up onto the exam table and lay back.  Dixie adjusts the head of the table and spreads a blanket over me.  Thank you.  These two bozos could learn a thing or two about compassion from Dixie.

“Mike, go ahead and start the IV.  I wanna get him goin’ on the banana bag.  We’ll see if we can head off any electrolyte imbalance before it gets out of hand.” 

He listened to my chest again.  When he started to palpate my abdomen, he hit a definite sore spot and I just about came unglued. 

“How long has that pain been there?”

“I haven’t noticed it before this morning.”

“He’s been too drunk to notice.”

“Oh, fuck off, Mike.  I’m sick of your attitude and I’m sick of your shit.”

“It wasn’t said with judgment.  It was said as a statement of fact.  You wouldn’t know if you’d been beaten or mugged or anything else in the past week let alone whether or not you had developed pain or a fever.  Alcohol will mask symptoms.  Yours have been masked for a while.”

Fine.  Just quit being a dick.  I leaned back and closed my eyes.  I felt the tourniquet being tied around my arm too tightly.  I think the needle Mike used to start my IV was something akin to a garden house and I know I flinched.  I couldn’t help it.  I’m tired, I’m freezing, I don’t feel good and I’m mourning the loss of that bit of Jack Daniels that fell off my nightstand this morning.  Fuck. 

Suddenly the nausea hit me and a bucket is shoved into my face and I’m rolled onto my side.  The bitter taste of bile coats my mouth and for all the heaving I’m doing, I think I’m being gypped with what little is coming up. 

“Here.  Rinse and spit.”  Dixie handed me a cup of water and I followed directions. 

I close my eyes once more and feel their hands on me again.  Taking my pulse at various locations, shoving a thermometer in my armpit, pushing medications into my IV, taking blood.  I just sit back and let them.  I’m too tired to ask questions and I’m trying too hard not to bolt.  I remember my reflection once more in the glass on my way in.  I need to be here.  I need it, but doesn’t mean I want it, damn it.

“We’re gonna put you out for a bit, Kel.  Lay back and relax.  We need to have a look down your esophagus.”  I don’t have time to protest before I feel the medication take effect.  Damn it.  I’m not an alcoholic.  People that drink are at high risk for esophageal verices—essentially they bleed out through their esophagus.  I’m not that far gone, damn it.  Listen to me.    I just . . . it takes a while to get to that point.  I’m not that fucking far gone. 

“His temp is a hundred and two.” 

“Kel, do you think you could pee in a cup for me?” 

Thirty seconds ago I could have. 

“His enzymes are elevated. . . pancreatitis.” 

“We need to get his temp down.”

“Let’s start him on O2.”

 I listened to the litany of phrases and terms and they sounded familiar but for the life of me I couldn’t put any of them together.  They sounded like they were in a tunnel and then I was out. 

 

I woke, still in the same room with the same people.  I don’t know how much time had passed but now I have a clear bag of IV fluids hanging along with some antibiotics.  I started moving muscles and taking inventory.  I was lying on a cooling mattress.  Damn that’s cold.  Boxers are gone.  Oh, catheter.  Lovely. 

“There he is.  Good morning , sunshine.”  Dixie wiped my face with a cool cloth. 

My gown is soaked.  Looks like my fever broke.  She’s giving me a sponge bath since I’ve soaked through my gown and am covered with sweat.   Why couldn’t I stay asleep just a little while longer?  It’s bad enough that my friends have to see me like this, let alone have to do humiliating things to me.  Maybe I should ask for a different nurse.  Someone not as close to me.  She shouldn’t have to do this. 

Joe came closer when he heard I was awake.  Dixie finished cleaning my chest and moved the old gown down over my lower half.  Her and Joe put the new gown on me. 

“You were out for about two hours.  It’s just after lunch time.”  Joe clarified while I was still trying to process way too much at once. 

I nod. 

Joe and Dix have paired up to get the job done and were both pulling my legs apart to clean me.  I pull back and reach for the blanket.  “Stop, stop.  I’m fine.”  I’m completely awake now. 

“Kel, let us just finish up real quick.”  Dixie pleaded. 

“Quick has nothing to do with it.  No, I’m fine.” 

Dixie smiled patiently and took her bathing supplies away. 

“What have you found out?”

“Your x-rays show you did not break your hand.”

I squeeze my right hand and remember the punch to the shower wall that morning.  Maybe he does have mind-reading powers.  I nod.

He smiled that he’d found a way to flummox me again.  “We did an upper GI scope.  You don’t have verices.”

“I coulda told you that.”

“No, you couldn’t which is why we did it.”  He continued patiently.  “You do, however, have pancreatitis.”

Ah.  That explains the soreness in my abdomen.  I was thinking that, too.

He shook his head and breathed in deeply.  “Your liver function isn’t good either.  We’ve started you on some medications to help but the biggest thing is that you cannot drink anymore.  Not ever.  You have to get sober and you have to stay that way.”

My head flopped back onto the pillow.  “I know.  I will.”

“Do you want to die, Kel?”

I’m not going to answer that.  I thought I did yesterday, hell, this morning.  I guess I’d rather not. 

“I’m asking because someone who was acting the way you were acting, obviously, holds no regard for his own life.”  Joe explained.

Dixie moved away from the table, away from me.  She looked distraught and I knew she was trying to keep herself together. 

Joe lowered his tone.  Mike was pondering over my chart in the corner.  “Listen to me.”

I look him in the eyes.  He has my attention.

He whispered.  “I found a hickey on your upper thigh when I put in your catheter.  It’s a fresh one.  Do you remember how you got that?”

What the hell?

“Do you remember if you used a condom?”

“No . . . I don’t . . . I haven’t been . . .”  Jeezus Christ!!  I have absolutely no recall of meeting or spending the night with anyone that would have an opportunity to give me that.  I am going to die a horrible death at a very young age if I keep this shit up.  A wretched thought flashed in my brain.  “Was I . . .”

Joe doesn’t voice the word ‘raped’ either but he knows what I’m asking.  “I don’t know, Kel.  I haven’t been able to examine you thoroughly.  I thought you’d want to keep it between us.”

I nod.  Thank God for Joe.  He is a great friend.  This conversation will NEVER meet anyone else’s ears and I know that.  Whatever happened, we’ll probably never know, but regardless, this is my cross to bear.  Nobody else’s.  Sympathetic looks I do NOT need. 

“His labs look much better.  His chem panel, anyway.  He’s much less dehydrated then he was.  Electrolytes are good.  Liver function panel is still elevated but that’ll just take time to repair.  Amylase and Lipase look a touch better.  Again, that’ll take time and antibiotics.”  Mike interrupts our conversation holding my chart open and reading as he walked around the exam table.      

“Good.  Then I’m gonna take him home with me.”

That stopped both Mike and I in our tracks.  I looked up, stunned.  Mike was a bit more verbal.

“What!?  You can’t do that.  He needs to be admitted at least over night.”

“Nope.  If he’s admitted overnight, he’ll have to go to a floor and be assigned a room.  We can’t hold this room for our own nefarious purposes indefinitely.  If he goes to the floor for admission, the people that I would expect to take care of him properly would have to know about the alcohol and all those things we’re not putting on the chart.”

Bless Joe.  Love him with my whole heart.  “Dix, can I have my clothes, please?”  Let’s go while the getting’ is good.  Full agreement with you, mon frère.

“Now wait just a second.  This is insane.  It’s not safe.”

I settle back in.  Maybe this is too good to be true.  I’ll let them hash it out first. 

“I’ve thought of all that.  I can handle it and if I can’t, I’ll call for an ambulance.  Dix, I made out a list of stuff I’m going to need at my house.” 

She took the list and nodded.  “I’ll help you.  We can take shifts staying with him.  I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, Dix.  I’ll be taking you up on that since I’ll also have to fill in as Kel’s replacement on top of taking my own shifts here.”  He looked toward Mike.  “What d’ya say?  You in?”

“This is a really bad idea.  You can’t recover an alcoholic all by yourself.”

“I’m hoping I don’t have to.”

“You’re making it too easy for him to fall off the wagon over and over.  You do this once and he’s just gonna keep expecting it no matter how many times he does it.”

“Now you listen to me, Doctor Morton.”  Oh shit, Dixie jumps on it before I even have a chance to open my mouth.  “I’ve listened to you berate him and treat him like some common thug all day.  This man is responsible for giving you the career opportunities you’ve had.  You owe him some respect and you at least owe him one chance.  What is the point of a second chance at life if you have to come back to a life that isn’t even remotely yours anymore?  If you had it your way the entire hospital would know and Kel would be out of a job.  Is that what you want?”

“No, of course . . .”

“Well then act like it and dig your heels in damn it.  We have work to do.”

I think Dixie just verbally spanked the shit out of Doctor Mike Morton.  THAT was cool! 

 

“Welcome to Chez Early.”  He invited me in with a flourish of his hand.  “You’re room is down the hall to the right.”

I made my way down the hall.  Joe led the way and helped me haul my bag.  I tossed my shaving kit on the dresser and took in my surroundings.  It’s a nice place.  Subdued colors, black, brown, slate blue.  I turned and look at the bed.  Despite my mood, I had to smirk a bit when I noticed the piano-key bedspread.  Fitting.  Joe is an awesome musician. 

“You like that, huh?”

“Very cute.”

“I found that in specialty store on the east coast.  All they sold was linens.  Bed linens, bath linens, table cloths, napkins.  You name it.”

“Sounds nice.” 

“It was.” 

I sat down on the bed and scrubbed a hand through my hair.  Fucking Christ I needed a drink.  I knew he had alcohol here.  I knew I could feel better easily, but I also knew that I couldn’t. 

“The alcohol is gone, Kel.”

I looked up with a hint of panic that I couldn’t tone down before I committed actions from thought.  He saw it and I’ve disappointed him.  Damn!  I shake my head.  I’m not going to make it. 

“Don’t worry, you’re gonna be just fine.  You are Kelly Brackett and you are going to be fine.  Do you understand me?”

I nod.  I’m Kelly Brackett?  That’s his speech?  As though Kelly Brackett is not allowed to not be okay?  Even he thinks I’m this goddamn indestructible force.  Maybe I should just resign.  I could pack up and leave.  Maybe go to the east coast . . . where they have really cool bedspreads. 

“Okay?”

I nod and give him a tight-lipped smile. 

“Okay.  Now, go in to the bathroom and put these on.”  He hands me a pile of clothes that I know are pajamas. 

I stand slowly, miserably.  I don’t know what else to do besides follow his orders.  I’m homeless, desperate and maybe a part of me is just so completely willing to let someone else make the decisions for once.  I’m not the doctor in this room.  I’m not the indestructible force.  He knows what I used to be and he wants me to be that again, even if I don’t believe it myself.  And if I don’t follow him, I’m going to die. 

The reflection in the mirror isn’t mine.  I know I’ve caught glimpses of this guy over the past week but standing there, completely sober and looking at that guy . . . he’s not me.  I splashed water on my face, possibly in hopes I might recognize the person I was underneath this  . . . whoever this was.  My eyes were sunken and dark.  My skin is pale, possibly yellow, I can’t tell.  I pulled down my lower eyelid to check the white’s of my eyes.  I don’t know.  I can’t tell if they’re yellow, either.  I don’t care.  I’m not a doctor anymore.  Not here. 

My stomach ached.  My abdomen was tender, very tender and I’d been sitting right on the edge of vomiting since I left the ER.   

I finished putting on the requested pajamas being careful not to bump the IV access line they kept in my arm.  I knew he needed to have me in loose clothing.  I’m probably going to be pretty sick soon.  My thoughts go back to the conversation Joe and I had earlier.  I pull at my pajama pants and look down.  Sure as shit there is a huge, dark purple hickey on my inner thigh.  I hike up a leg and see a smaller one just west of my balls.  I barely have time to take my foot off the toilet before I lift the seat and hurl into it.  Fuck. 

How could . . . how did . . . this couldn’t have happened.  I don’t remember one single time where I would’ve been in a situation where that could’ve happened.  The thought of someone touching me without my knowledge sends more bile up and my stomach is cramping into knots.  The thought of someone besides Johnny touching me is vile.  How could I let this happen??

Joe was in the room, his voice comforting, soothing.  I felt a cool cloth on my neck and a hand rubbing circles on my back.  I took the cool cloth and rubbed my face with it, my mouth.  I leaned onto my arm on the side of the toilet. 

“How could this have happened?  I didn’t know I was so far gone, Joe.  I really didn’t.”

“I know.  It happens fast, doesn’t it?”

“Too fast.” 

“Feel better now?”

“Yea.”  I started picking myself up off the floor with Joe’s help. 

“Let’s get you to bed.  I’ll give you something to help you sleep and I’ll take a look at you.  Sound like a plan?”

I nodded.  “Joe?”

“We sent off an HIV test along with your other labs this morning.  We should know something in a couple days.  We sent them under an alias.”

He knew exactly what I was worried about.  It’s good to have a friend as great as he is.  I rinsed my mouth out and let Joe walk me back to the bed.  I slump into the pillow and watched as he drew up a syringe full of something.  I’m not going to ask what it is.  I’m not the doctor here.  I don’t want to know, I’m just going to trust him.  I felt the burn of the liquid entering my veins and I tracked it as it went up my arm and into my heart and throughout my body.  Oh, that’s nice. 

“Flip over, Kel.  I want to examine you before you fall asleep.” 

I’m  pushed onto my side.  I help as much as I can and soon I flopped over onto my stomach.  My boxers are pulled down and I feel his hands on me.  Man, I am glad he gave me that shot before he did this. 

 

I woke to a completely darkened room save for the stream of light coming from the crack in the bathroom door.  I took in my unfamiliar surroundings.  The piano bedspread looked familiar.  Oh yea.  I’m at Joe’s.  I looked up to find my IV had a bag of solution infusing into it with another bag of antibiotics attached as well. 

I had to pee.  I began my trek by getting my bearings sitting up on the side of the bed. 

“Hey, handsome.”  The voice came from the hallway and I looked up to see Dixie standing there. 

“Hey, Dix.”  She traded in her whites for a pair of blue jeans and a soft, pink sweater. 

“Need to get up?”

“Yes.  Just need to go to the bathroom.”

“I’ll help ya.”

“Where’s Joe?”

“Went back to the hospital for a little bit.  He wanted to get some things in order, talk with O’Brian.”

“Why is he talking to O’Brian?”

“Because there is no way you are going to be ready to come back to work on Monday.   He’s buying you some extra time.”

“Oh, man.”

“Now, don’t do that self-pity thing.  Joe wants to help you.  He’s happy to do it.  In case you haven’t noticed, you’re kinda special and you’re worth the trouble.”

I shook my head.  I don’t know about that.  Dix won’t take any other answer though so I looked at her and nodded pasting something that, I hope, resembles a smile on my face. 

“C’mon, let’s go.”  She grabbed the IV bags in one hand and hauled me up by the back of my arm with the other. 

My legs were wobbly.  They don’t feel like they even belong to me.  We reached the bathroom and I looked at her pleadingly.  Just go, please. 

She found a robe hook close enough to me and hung the bags there before she left me to my privacy.  “I’ll be in the hall.  Call me when you’re ready to walk back to bed.”

“I will.”  I will never take privacy for granted again. 

 

I woke again, it must have been the middle of the night, with the sudden urgency to vomit.  I didn’t have time to get to the bathroom, but a basin was thrust in my face and I heaved.  I heaved so hard it felt like it was coming from my toes.  A dissatisfyingly small amount of bile came up but I feel Joe push something into my IV and slowly the cramping starts to dissipate. 

I slumped onto my back again.  The sweat was pouring off of me.  I ran a hand over my face and pushed my hair back.  “Fuck, I’m not gonna make it Joe.”

“Nonsense.  You’re gonna make it.” 

“Joe!  Will ya listen to me damn it!!!  I can’t do this.  I tried.  I can’t.”

“Well, okay then.”  He sat back in a chair he’d moved close to the bed.  “Shall we get dressed and hit the clubs then?  Maybe, I should just score us a case a beer and find a game on the TV?”

“Joe.  Look . . . “

“NO!  You look.  I’m not giving up and damn it, you’re not either.  I’m sick of the pity party and I’m sick of you taking the easy road.  There is no easy road.  This is hard.  You have to put in the time and you have to put in the effort.  You’ve got to want it, Kel.  You have to decide you would rather live than die and you have to decide that you would rather have your life back instead of wasting it on that stupid bottle of bourbon.”

My breathing was deep, fast.  “I don’t think I can do it.”  I don’t think my voice has ever sounded so weak, not ever.  Not even to myself. 

“That’s the alcohol talkin’.  That’s what it does.  It gets inside of you and it convinces you that the only thing you need is alcohol.  It just keeps on telling your head that you don’t need work, you don’t need family, you don’t need love, you don’t even need to eat.  But you ARE stronger than that.  Kelly Brackett is still in there and he’s the one in charge now.  Now, you need to believe that.  YOU have to take charge.”

I exhaled long, deep and slow.  I looked at him.  He had this look of determination like he could fight any battle and win it. 

“You can lean on me for right now.  I can help you until you’re strong enough to do it yourself.”

I knew if I asked him why the hell he would even bother with all this for me, he’d just wallop me upside the head.  “Okay, Joe.  I can do this.” 

“There ya go.  One day at a time.  Each day gets easier.” 

Can I have that in writing?  I scooched down into my covers again and let the anti-nausea medications work.  They have an added benefit of making me tired.  If I could just spend the next three days sleeping, I could make it.  Three days, that was all I needed. 

I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t seen him since early that afternoon.  I roll back over to face him.  “Joe?”

“It didn’t look like you had been recently penetrated.”

I sigh in relief. 

“That doesn’t mean that you’re safe.  You could have been simply very relaxed, as one is when they are intoxicated, and the person could have used a good amount of lubrication.  There was no evident trauma though so that’s a good sign.”

“Any more . . . hematomas. . .” It just sounds better than hickeys.

“One more, on your right gluteus.” 

It’s bugged the hell out of me that I didn’t know who touched me.  That’s a thought that will fester for a long time. 

 

I wake to someone pulling at the hairs on my arm.  What the hell?  Mike is sitting on the edge of the bed pulling at the tape on my IV. 

“What’s goin’ on?”

“What’s goin’ on is that this IV is bad.  I’m going to take it out, let you shower and then I’ll put another site back in.”

Shit.  His IV starting skills suck.  “Where’s Joe?”

“He had to go to a meeting this morning.  Your meeting.  He’ll be back in an hour or so.”

Ouch!  Fuck, he’s not even trying to be careful and I have some serious hair on my arms.  “Just leave it, Mike.  I’m fine.  It can wait till I wake up.”

He pulled again, this time with more force.

“SON OF A BITCH!!”

“You lost the ability to make decisions like that, ya see.  I am here, on my day off, babysitting you because you chose to make a poor decision.  I’m here risking my license and we—me, Dix and Joe, are putting our asses on the line for this poor decision that YOU made so now, guess what?  YOU do not get to chose when you brush your teeth.  We decide.  Got it?”

Holy shit!  Angry much? 

My IV line came out with a final pull and he was pressing a gauze pad against my skin.  “Hold that.”  He ordered. 

Yes, he pissed me off.  I have to judge him though based on what I’ve known about him over the past 15 years.  He’s a good guy.  I couldn’t begrudge him his tirade.  I couldn’t fix him at the moment though either.  It took everything in me to be awake.   His attitude adjustment will have to come when I prove to him that I can do this.  I CAN do this and I will show him just what his efforts have brought.  I couldn’t fix him now but I will.  I will. 

“Now get up and let’s get you into the shower.”  That was said with a much less emphatic tone.  Like he was sorry he felt the way he felt but fell short of actually changing how he felt or apologizing for it. 

 

Normally I take very quick showers.  Well, unless Johnny and I are practicing our water conservation which, in the end, isn’t really very conservative.  I smirk remembering his arms around me, feeling his hands on me.  I turn the water on to the hottest setting I can stand and step into it, letting it cascade down my neck, down my back.  I place both hands against the shower wall, widen my stance and arch my back.  The water is hot enough to let me believe it’s Johnny’s hands tracing along that path.  I close my eyes and feel him caressing me.  I arch my back further and bend at the waist.  The warmth falls down the crack of my ass, surrounds my balls in a gentle caress and cascades down the length of my cock before falling to the floor.  He’s touching me, he’s there with me.  I took my cock in hand and was surprised it wasn’t already hard.  I continued stroking.  It’s not getting hard.  Lemee guess, alcohol also tells me that I don’t need sex?  Awesome. 

I only wanted a distraction.  I didn’t want to think about much of anything and I certainly didn’t want to go back out of this bathroom to face Mike Morton again.  As if on cue, he stepped into the bathroom and announced it was time for me to get out of the shower.  God, was he being a fucker today. 

I took my time getting dressed, shaving, brushing my teeth.  I’d love to say that it was simply because I was stalling, but it’s not.  My muscle strength is weak and even though I felt better than I did yesterday, I’m still pretty damn nauseated and my stomach is still very sore. 

“C’mon, Kel.  I don’t want Joe to have to worry about this when he gets home.  Come out here before I come in and get you out.”

“You don’t want me to worry about what?”

Oh, thank god.  Joe’s back already.  I open the door never so happy to see anyone in my entire life. 

“Well, look at you.  Feel like you’re in the land of the living yet?”

“Well, I’m circling around it anyway.”

“Good.” 

“I was just about to restart his IV.”

“Oh, what happened to the old one?”

“It went bad.”

“Really?  I just used it this morning too.  Well, ya just never know when that’ll happen, do ya?”

I looked at Joe pleadingly. 

“Tell ya what, Mike.  I’ll get him re-started.  You can get going.  I know Christina has to be waiting for you.”  He placed a hand around Mike’s shoulders and guided him toward the door.  “You got big plans for your day off?”

“Nah, just dinner and maybe a movie.”

And they were gone.  I climbed into bed relaxing against the headboard.  Joe returned a few seconds later. 

“Sorry, I figured you’d still be asleep by the time I got back.”

“I would’ve been if . . .”

“If what?”

“Nothing.  I just woke up for some reason and couldn’t get back to sleep.  Mike thought it’d be good to take advantage of the opportunity and just restart the IV after my shower.” 

“Okay.  How do you feel now?”

I shrugged.  “Like I just went ten rounds with George Foreman.”

He laughed.  “Yea, you kinda look like it, too.”  He picked up some supplies from the top of the dresser and sat next to me on the bed.  My arm is taken into his grip and a tourniquet is placed around my upper arm. 

“Have you seen Johnny lately?”

“Kel, he’s fine.  Concentrate on you right now.”

“I can concentrate more on me if I knew how he was doing.”

He looked at me over wire-rimmed glasses.  “He came to see me three weeks ago.  Apparently you di d a bang up job avoiding him at work.”

“He didn’t need to see me anymore.  I’ve cause him enough pain.”

“He didn’t need to see you or you didn’t need to see him?  See your own guilt?”

I stayed silent.  I am a coward. 

“After you left.  He was distraught and having a hard time, but he was very worried about STDs.  I gave him a physical and he’s fine.”

“I didn’t put him at risk, Joe.  I wouldn’t do that.”

“Yes, you did.  You know you did.  Sleeping with someone else at all but most especially without a condom is putting Johnny at risk.”

“Yea, but I wore a condom the last night we were together.  The night it happened.”

“Kel, condoms are not one hundred percent safe and you know it.  Besides, he doesn’t know if you’ve done this before.”

“I haven’t.”

“Good, but he doesn’t know that.  And you haven’t talked to him since you left.  How will he know if you don’t tell him.” 

“You think I bailed on him.”

“Sure you did.  Hell, you bailed on the world, but I’m not tellin’ you anything you didn’t already know.”

“You think I should talk to him?”

“You WILL talk to him.  You have to.  But, not now and not anytime soon.  You need to concentrate on getting better and getting back into the groove.”

“Oh jeez.  Don’t ever say ‘groove’ to me again.”  He taped down the IV site and pulled out a vial of medication to fill a syringe.  

I don’t know why it makes me woozy, but the room started spinning and I knew I was gonna puke again.  Joe is right there with the basin and is quick with the medications. 

“There ya go.  Lay back and get some rest.”

 

I wake for once not feeling like puking is imminent.  That’s a nice change.  I scratched my face.   I vaguely remember being in and out of it a few times.  Something tells me I’ve been sleeping for a while.  My muscles don’t want to obey my commands at all but I pushed myself up and walked into the bathroom.  My teeth feel like they are wearing socks so brushing them is next on my agenda after I take care of other, more urgent needs. 

When I came out of the bathroom, Joe was waiting for me.  “Good morning Rip VanWinkle.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been out for about two days.”

“What?”

“You’ve been sleeping for forty-eight hours.  It’s good to see you up and walking.  How do you feel?”

“Weak, tired but not too bad.”

“How’s the belly pain?”

I push on my upper abdomen.  “Little sore.  Not bad.”

“Nausea?”

“No, not really.”

“Very good.  Lie back down and let me have a look at ya.”

I followed orders and got back onto the bed.  Joe pulled out the blood pressure cuff and started taking my vitals.  “Why did you keep me knocked out for so long?”

He glared at me with a raised eyebrow.  “You don’t remember,  do you?”

Oh god!  “Remember what?”

“What’s the last thing you do remember?”

“You and I talking after Mike left and you starting my IV.  I was sick, you gave me something and that’s it.”

“You may have had a severe reaction to the medication I gave you.  You woke up screaming and anxious.  The only thing that saved me from being attacked was that you got nauseated again and started vomiting.  Violently.  Gave me enough time to get you sedated.”

“Holy shit.  I’m so sorry, Joe.”  Fuck.  “I’m so sorry you had to . . . I’m sorry.”

“Nah.  Don’t worry about it.  The hardest part was convincing Dixie you didn’t need a sponge bath.”

I gasp and look down at my pajamas.  They are not the ones I remember having on the other day. 

“Sorry, I had to change your jammies.  Once we put the catheter back in, though, problem solved.” 

He said it like he was happy to have solved the issue of not having me piss all over his bed.  I’m mortified.  Thank god he took it out before he let me wake up.  He doesn’t look like he’s had any sleep at all. 

“You look like hell?”

He smiled.  “Have you seen a mirror lately, buddy.  Pot callin’ the kettle black, I’m afraid.”

I nod.  “Maybe you should’ve left me in the hospital.  I’m putting everyone at risk here.”

“Well, hell.  Too little too late now.  It’s over.  Downhill from here.”

“I’m cured?”

“I didn’t say that.”

His stethoscope was moved all over my chest as I’m instructed to breathe deeply.  I already know.  He lifted up my t-shirt and pushed down with his hands in various locations saving the best for last.  I flinched.  It’s still tender.

“Much better.” 

“What are my enzymes like?”

“Nearly normal.”  He packed up his supplies and set them off to the side.  “Come on.  Let’s go have some breakfast. 

Breakfast actually sounds good. 

I sat down at the kitchen table as instructed.  A bowl of chicken broth, green jello and apple juice is set down in front of me.  I expected that but when he sat down next to me with his omelet, hashbrowns and sausage links, I wanted to strangle him.  

“You are a cruel man.”

He smiled.  “Nonsense.  I’m just giving you something to look forward to.” 

I’m glad Joe likes to talk.  I hate silent moments.  I felt like there was just too much to say and too much to thank him for and I also knew he didn’t want to hear it. 

“Carol is getting married.”

“Really?  Anyone we know.”

“Well, I assume its Jerry from respiratory.  They’ve been dating for three months.”

“I didn’t know that.”  The green jello is way too sweet.  “How’s Barbara and Terry?”

“Who’s Terry?”

“From radiology.”

“They’re dating?”

“Yep, have been since he x-rayed her foot last month.  Well, that was the last I heard.  I’ve been out for a while so I guess anything could’ve happened by now.”

“It could still be happening.  I just can’t place who Terry is.” 

“He’s a friend of Johnny’s.  Terry doesn’t spend much time in ER doing our portables.  You know how Malcolm is with his territory.”

“Oh, I know it.  Nobody touches his portable unless it’s his day off!”

We continued eating.  When the silence ran on a few seconds longer than I like, I took the opportunity to ask a question I really know about.  “How’s Johnny?”

He stared at me pushing his glasses further upon his nose.  “He’s fine.  Actually, you are, too.  I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you’re both fine.”

“We’re both negative?”  I breathe a deep sigh of relief.  “Thank god.” 

“That’s what he said.  You’ll have to be tested again in six months though.”

“I know.  We will.”  Ugh. . . “sorry, force of habit.  I will.  I’m sure he will, too . . .”

“Call him.”

“What?”

“I said, call him.”

“I don’t . . . I don’t think I can do that.  I’ve been gone for so long.”

“You were tied up.  Now you’re not.  You have no more excuses.  Call him and if you don’t than you’re a real bastard and you’re hiding like a girl from the ass whoopin’ you deserve.”

“I deserve an ass whoopin’?”

He glared with a raised eyebrow.  “Johnny is NOT some fling.  You two have . . . pets together and shit.  You’ve been with him for TEN years.  On what planet is it okay to throw that away for a stupid fuck?”

Ugh!  It’s not okay.  I know it’s not okay.  I also have nothing to say about it.  It would be different if I could explain it, justify it in any small way, but I can’t.  I’ve tried to decide what I was looking for that I didn’t have already waiting for me at home, but I can’t find it. 

“How is Andy?”

“Andy the trollop?  Why do you need to know?”

Is he kidding me with this?  “I’m going to be working with him when I come back.  I can’t fire him for walking into my office all . . . all. . .”

“Fuckable?”

“Yes.” 

“He’s gone, actually.”

“Gone?”

“Yea.  Seems he somehow got it into his head that you were waiting for him in the Virgin Islands at some beach-front hotel.  He didn’t have the vacation time coming and he resigned so he could go.  End of story.  The head nurse of your department can be quite catty when she wants to be.”

“Joe!”

“What?”

“You set him up?”

“I did no such thing.  How am I to know how these young nurses get such things stuck in their brains?”  He took another bite of his hashbrowns.  “Say, you don’t think it was the note I sent him with your name on it inviting him there, do ya?”

I laughed.  “Remind me to never get on your bad side, please.”

“Done.”

 

Between the three of them, I hadn’t been left alone at all for a week.  Joe is back to working normal shifts and even brings home paperwork for me to do here at the house.  Feels good to try it on before I go back full on.  It also keeps my mind busy.  Doesn’t give me time to think of other things or other people. 

Mostly, though, I sleep.  When I’m awake I think about him and what I did to him and when I think about him, I just want to stop thinking about him and then all I want to do is drink.  So, I sleep. 

Joe walked through the door at about six-thirty.  He didn’t look nearly as stressed out and haggard as he had been that first week.  He had a spring in his step and he was smiling.  That’s so good to see. 

“Let’s go out for dinner, Kel.  Go get dressed.  We’ll go to Alfredo’s tonight.  I’m in the mood for Italian.”

No way.  “I don’t think so, Joe.  Not tonight.”

“Why?  You haven’t been out of this house for nearly two weeks.  You’re back at work in two more days.  You need to get out.  Be social.”

No, I don’t.  “Two days is . . . don’t you think it’s too soon?”

“No, I don’t.  You’re ready.  You can’t stay here forever and hide.”

“I’m not hiding.  I’m recovering.”

“From pancreatitis and a drunken binge.  Guess what?  You’re recovered.  Time to move on.”

“What if . . .”

“What if, what?  What if I won the lottery or grew potatoes on my head . . . you can’t live your life on a ‘what if’ basis.  You cross the bridges as they come.”

I sighed.  I’m scared.  I can’t help it.

“C’mon, Kel.  I’m sick and tired of seeing you in sweats and pajamas all the damn time.” Joe gives me a saucy wink and blows me a kiss. “ Put some clothes on.  We’re going out for dinner.”

Well, I guess we’re going out to dinner.

 

Alfredo’s was packed, naturally.  It was Friday night.  It felt weird being there.  I know that I’ve been there a hundred times but it felt like a novelty. 

Dinner was amazing.  It always is.  Joe usually orders wine with his Italian food, but he didn’t tonight.  I felt guilty for that.  The man should be able to enjoy a nice Chianti with his pasta primavera without worrying about whether or not it will make me fall off the deep end.  I’ve told him that several times tonight but he wouldn’t listen.   

“Why don’t you think you’re ready to go back to work yet?”

I shrug.  “It’s nothing, Joe.  Just nervous, I suppose.”  I wiped my mouth and set my napkin on my plate, finally finished with the best cannoli I’ve ever eaten in my life.  “I just . . . I’m just rusty, that’s all.”

“Well, of course, you’re a bit rusty.  You’ll get your sea legs back.  Look, Kel, the only way you’re going to get your life back is if you take it back.”

I nodded.  I know. 

“I don’t think it has anything to do with returning to work.” 

I looked at him confused.  He thinks he knows what’s going on inside my head? 

“You don’t want to go back and face Johnny.”

I couldn’t look at him in the eye and he knows he’s cornered me.   

“If that’s what you’re worried about then call him.  I’ve been telling you to call him for over a week now.  You both need to have a conversation,don’t you think?”

“Conversation about what?  I fucked up.  I can’t change it so now I’m just gonna have to live with it, remember?”

“Kel, have you apologized?  You can’t change it, no, but did you even say you were sorry?  Did you lay everything out and tell him everything he needed to know?  No, you didn’t.  He came to me worried half to death he’d contracted something and then he had to go back home to that big-ass house with not one soul to talk to.  He didn’t just lose his lover, his partner when you walked out, he lost his best friend.”

“Joe, I know that.  I’ve lost my best friend, too.  You think I don’t think about that night?”  I shook my head.  “You weren’t there, Joe.  You weren’t there.  I destroyed him.  When I left, I left him in pieces.  How do I go back there?  How can the person he turns to for comfort be me when I’m the one that’s put him in danger.”  I remember the hickeys Joe found on me.  “Not only that night but since then as well.  How can I go to him and explain reasons that I don’t know myself?” 

“Well there had to be a reason.”

“You’d think there would be, but I . . . I don’t have one.”  I rub a hand through my hair.  “How can I be that to him, the guy that helps him when I’m the one that did this to him?  I’m the one that turned his life upside down and for no more of a reason than my dick got in the way.  Its high school bullshit and I haven’t seen a high school in twenty years.” 

“Well then, that’s your reason.”

I raised an eyebrow.  What did I miss?

“Your dick got in the way.” 

I don’t know why I chose that point to be so all-fire concerned about whether or not anyone might be listening to us but I looked around.  The crowd had thinned out quite a bit but still pretty busy.  That was when I saw him.  Straight across the room and looking right at me.  Son-of-a bitch! 

I must have paled because Joe was in my face asking what was wrong. 

“Andy.”

“What?”

“It’s Andy.  He’s right over there.”

Joe wasn’t subtle at all.  He wasn’t going to make up some pretense like dropping a napkin or coughing with his head turned in Andy’s general direction. 

“The trollop is here?  Where?”  He practically turned his entire chair around to get the best view.  “Is that Andy with that bald guy with his tongue in his ear?”  He smirked.  “Ya know what, Kel?  I think he’s gotten over you.”

“Guess so.”  I noticed Andy backing out of the booth he was in with his new found love.  “Fuck.  He’s coming this way and I really don’t have any interest in talking to the little shit.”

“Then let’s go.”  Joe swept up the check off the table and stood.  “Meet you in the car.” 

I noticed Andy moving our way and I moved faster.  At the door, I looked back and Joe had a hold of Andy’s arm speaking directly into his ear.  Joe is not one for scenes or drama but he sure as hell will tell you how it is.  I’d give my eye teeth to hear that conversation.  Joe will never tell me what he said to him.  That’s okay.  I think the main point is that Joe has my back.  I always knew that. 

 

 

My first day back at work and I hit the ground running.  It wasn’t too bad but it has been a steady stream that had kept me on my feet since seven in the morning.  I don’t know how many comments I received regarding my lack of tanned skin for someone who just spent the last two weeks in the Virgin Islands.  Well, that and my weight loss.  I shook my head and effectively ended every conversation about where I’d been and what I’d been up to.  It’s not their business and they’ll never know. 

I headed back to my office just about to say my thanks for the fact that Johnny had not been on shift for my first day back when I open my door and find him sitting on the sofa, waiting patiently.  I gasp before I can stop myself. 

“Johnny?”  Once I regained some semblance of control I shut the door. I take a deep calming breath in order to gather myself together before turning to face him.  “What . . .uh . . . ?”  Any question I could possibly ask seems either rude or obvious. 

“What am I doing here?”  Johnny finished my sentence for me.   He always knew what I was thinking even before I did at times.   

I shrugged.  I knew I was coming off as being cold and unfeeling.  I didn’t want that.  I wanted to take him in my arms and apologize.  I moved toward my desk and sought the comfort of the authority sitting behind the desk provides me.     

“How’s Andy?”  He spat out the name like it was vile as he stood up. 

“I don’t know.”

He walked around the room as though he hadn’t been in it in years.  “You’re not very tan for a guy that just spent a week in the Virgin Islands.  And you lost weight.   I don’t wanna think about that.”  He faced the book shelf as though it was the most interesting thing on the planet. 

He’s insinuated that I’ve been hold up in some vacation hot spot spending entirely too much time getting my cardio workout fucking my hot, new lover.  No, he cannot think that.  I might be a fucking bastard but I could not let him believe that.  “I’ve been right here in LA the entire time, Johnny.  I never left.  I know about the rumor going around but I never left and I have no idea where Andy is or what he’s doing.  I have not talked to him.”

He shrugged, picked up a book, examined it for a moment as though he didn’t give a shit what I’d just said, and set it back down.  “I’m fine by the way.  Thanks for asking.”  He turned to face me, looking me up and down. 

“I’m glad, Johnny.  I really am.”  Except I couldn’t look him in the eyes so nothing I was saying meant a damn thing to him. 

“I brought you your mail.”  He pointed to a stack of envelopes he’d left on top of my inbox.  “Including all of the bills.” 

I nodded.  Fair enough.  “I’ll make sure they get paid.” 

“Fine.”  He shook his head and pulled his checkbook out of his back pocket.  I hadn’t seen that one before.  He scribbled madly onto the ‘blue safety’ paper indicative of a new checking account.  He tore off the paper and threw it on top of the pile of envelopes.  “We’ve always shared, Kel.  Remember?  I don’t want you to make sure everything gets paid.  I wanted you . . . to . . .” He bit his lip in frustration.  Worse than that, in defeated frustration.  “I’m staying in the house until it’s sold.  Come get your shit when I’m at work.  I don’t care when.”  He turned and stalked toward the door. 

Fuck. He’s going to leave and I’m never gonna see him again. Unless, unless  I can give him a reason to stay, a reason to listen to what I have to say. Why is this so fucking hard? Why can’t I come up with the magic words that will make him see that I love him even though I’ve fucked up in a way he might never be able to forgive?

“Johnny!”  It sounded desperate and I didn’t care.  He was here for something.  He stalled and stalled and gave me every opportunity to explain.  How could I just sit here and let him leave?  He made the first step.  He was in my office for something and it wasn’t to drop off the bills. 

Johnny stopped two steps from the door and turned around.  For a brief fleeting moment, I see a flicker of hope in those deep brown eyes. He’s still here and I’m still here. There has to be a way to make this right. I had his attention but I had no idea what to say.  Before I can form a coherent thought, the one question he can ask that I cannot answer comes flying at me.

“Why?” The one word is painfully asked, I can hear the misery that he’s lived with these last two weeks. All the pain and hurt wrapped up in one pained syllable.

I sighed and rubbed a hand through my hair leaning back into my chair.  I shook my head.  “I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I don’t know!”

His brow furrowed and he came back to the front of my desk looking down at me.  “You don’t know?”

I met his furious gaze. 

“You.  Don’t.  Know.”

I shook my head slowly.

“I’m sorry, Kel, but you’re gonna have to dig just a little bit deeper than that.”

“I wish I could, Johnny.  Honest to god, I wish I could.  I just don’t know what happened.”

He looked, if this was at all possible, even more pissed and, god help him, more hurt.  “O-kay. . . just so I know.”  His face wrinkled into something resembling disgust before he shot me another death glare.  “I mean, Kel, c’mon.  That’s all you have to say?  You don’t  know?!  You’re willing to throw ten years away for  what? A quick mindless fuck with some random ass guy? Ten years was thrown away on a . . . a . . .a quick fuck?”

I remained silent.  I want to say something, anything that will make him understand that it wasn’t anything he did or didn’t do. It was just sex and I realize how ridiculous that sounds even to my own ears.

“How long were you two dating?”

I looked up surprised at the question.  Talk about a question out of left field. “We weren’t dating, Johnny.  No, never.  It was just that one time.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!”  He scrubbed a hand threw his hair.   He paced in shear anger.  “Are you fucking kidding me?!” 

“Johnny.” He doesn’t even hear me at this point. His anger has a firm grip on him and I don’t see it letting go anytime soon. “Please just listen to me!”

“You didn’t even know him, did you?”

“I worked with him . . .”

“Ever take a coffee break together, know anything about his family, whether he’s democrat or republican, know how he takes his coffee or likes his eggs?”

“No, no.  Nothing like that.”

He stopped pacing and put his hands on top of my desk and leaned in.  “You’re telling me that those vows we took, that commitment we made to each other ten years ago, the laughing, the waiting, the joy, the sorrow, the losses and the pain that we have shared together for the past decade can all be swept away by some guy in a tight uniform?” 

“What?  No!”

“Kel, see that’s exactly what you’re telling me.”  He backed up a couple steps and put his hands up in surrender.  “I can’t do anything about that.  Nothing.  There is not one thing that I can give you at home that can combat against you doing this again.  Nothing!  If all someone has to do is walk into your office looking hot, I can’t stop that from happening.”

“That will NEVER happen again.”  It sounded weak and stupid coming out of my mouth but I can’t find the words.  They are NOT there.  I’m trying but the words are not here.  I don’t know what to say.  How can I convince him that I’d rather cut off my dick then do this to him again? I am truly sorry and I am losing the man I love more then my own life because I can’t find the words to make it right.

Johnny scoffed at my proclamation.  “Oh, you’ve learned your lesson, did ya?  It only took losing the only man who ever loved you to realize that, huh?”  He shook his head in disgust.  “I’m gone.”  He headed toward the door again.  “You don’t have to worry about me talkin’ to ya again, Kel.  I mean, god forbid we actually communicate.  You can go back to burying your head in the sand.  I won’t darken your doorstep again.”

Again, he was on his way out of my life.  Wake the fuck up!  “Johnny!  Please!”

Again, he stopped and turned to look at me.  I don’t know what he saw there in my eyes but he came rushing back toward me.  He wasted no time in charging right behind the desk, stepped right up into my personal space, grabbed my face and kissed the shit out of me.  It was a bruising, hard kiss.  An angry kiss, the angriest I’ve ever seen, or felt. 

He pulled me up out of my chair by the lapels of my white coat; he pushed me against the wall.  I willingly fell back against the wall with his force.  Hit me, please.  I swear to god, I won’t say a word.  Please. 

He looked at me full of torture and frustration.  And love.  I knew I’d abused the hell out of it.  I knew I didn’t deserve it but it was there.  And then he was pissed again.  The right cross I took across the jaw through me for a loop for some reason.  I did ask for it though. 

“Ugh . . .” 

“YOU LEFT ME, YOU SELFISH FUCKING BASTARD!  You didn’t call, you stopped coming to work!  I didn’t know if you were even alive!  Hell, I didn’t know if I’d be alive in the next six months!” His breathing is ragged and I can see moisture gathering in his eyes “No phone call, no note, no ‘kiss my ass’ or anything?  How is that fair?!  How the FUCK is that fair?”

I shook my head and gently tested the use of my jaw bone.  “I’ve never . . . I never put you at risk . . . I never would do that.”

“You already did, damn it, you already did!”

Ugh!  Christ.  “I’m sorry.”

“I spent the first few days blaming myself.  It must have been something I did or didn’t do.  I’m getting older, maybe my ass is too saggy, hell I don’t know.”  He paused and looked me square in the eye. “Was he better looking than me?”

I was already shaking my head.  No, Johnny is beautiful.  He always will be.  “No, babe, never. You’re the most handsome man I’ve known.”

He pushes on ignoring my declaration. “I don’t know how many times I thought I was gonna die because of this.  I thought all the testing and the waiting was over.”  He pulled his hand from my lapel and took a step back.  “I thought I was done with all that.  I remember when you and I were both tested ten years ago.  We sent the labs away and waited for . . . god, it seemed like forever.  It could have been only moments, it wasn’t, it was days but back then, it seemed like no matter how long it took, it took forever.  We talked that night.  We bargained for our lives with each other, with God and we won.  I don’t think either of us slept for days until we found out, finally.  Even then, we held our breaths for each other as well.” 

He let out a breath born of exhaustion and shook his head slowly.  “You made me go through that hell again, Kel and instead of holding my hand and holding your breath right along with me, instead of being my husband, my partner . . . my best friend in the world, you LEFT me to do it on my own.  You left me.” 

The moisture I saw gathering in his eyes is threatening to fall.  I don’t know if I can take his tears. He’s normally pretty reserved when it comes to tears. I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen him cry. The day we took our vows, the night I held him in my arms after he’d been bashed and, of course, the night I left. With great reverence I reach to wipe a tear from the side of his face with my thumb. 

He batted my hand away.  “No,” he stood.  “I cannot stand the tears I keep shedding for you.  And you certainly do not get to comfort me now when the only purpose suits your needs, not mine.” 

“Johnny, I . . . I am so sorry.”

“Too little, too late.”  He tried to move from around the desk, but if he leaves now I know he’s gone for good.

This is it.  I stepped in front of him, blocking his path.  “I can’t tell you why this happened.  My god, I have been racking my brain to figure out what in the hell I was thinking.  I wish I could tell you that there was something that was lacking, something that I wasn’t getting but there is not one single thing that you’ve done to drive me away that comes into my brain.  NOTHING.  You’ve been my rock and my peace for so long, Johnny, I don’t want anyone else but you. I never have, really. And I know I tossed our vows out the fucking window like a fucking idiot BUT I do know one thing.  I do know that this, whatever this was, will NEVER happen again.”

He rolled his eyes.  I don’t blame him. 

“That’s all well and good, Kel,” he replied, “you know that, but how the fuck am I supposed to know that? I can’t fix something if I don’t know what’s broke.”

“Alright!  I know that sounds stupid.  I sound completely moronic right now.”  I scrubbed a hand through my hair.  It sounds stupid but I’m gonna say it anyway.  “He made me feel young.”

“What?”

I sighed.  “Young.  He made me feel young.”  Crap. 

He raised an eyebrow.  “I’d rather you just bought a ridiculous red Lamborghini and be done with it.”

Fuck.  “Nurses talk and I heard them talk about how hot he was and how they’d all been trying to date him and then he walked in my office and I could have him and he wanted me, an old fag like me.”

“Wow.”

I found a spot on the ceiling that looked pretty cool.  I had it coming.  It was still stupid.  But it was do or die time. 

“He was your midlife crisis?  I’m supposed to understand that?  C’mon!”

“Don’t call it that.”  Sheesh!

“I just . . . I mean, have you checked a mirror lately?”

Huh?

“At the risk of sounding complimentary when I am otherwise still completely pissed, YOU ARE HOT!!  I can guarantee you not one of your staff would throw you out of bed.  Not one!”

I laugh.  “Except Joe.”

“Yea, but he’s just not right in the head.”  He shook his head and the smile he might have thought about showing me was gone again. 

“That’s why I didn’t come back.  That’s why.  I couldn’t be the same guy to you that I was ten years ago, Johnny.  I couldn’t be THAT guy AND be the reason we’re going through this again.  See, I never had a good reason.  I just didn’t.  It happened.  It just fucking happened.  I know it’s lame, I know.  I can’t change it.  For four weeks I’ve been thinking and . . . well, and drinking . . . and thinking some more but there is NO good reason.  NONE.  But it doesn’t change the fact that I am in love with you and I want to be with you.”

 “But you loved me when you fucked another man and you loved me when you fucked him without a condom and you loved me when you ran out on me and never came back.”  He shook his head.  “You know what I was doing before you came in the room?  I was trying to decide if you’d fucked him over this desk.”  He pushed down onto the hard wood as if to test the sturdiness.  “Or if you were horizontal on your sofa.”

“Johnny, don’t.”

“The point is that I don’t know that you loving me is good enough, Kel.”

I can’t keep apologizing.  I can’t change it.  But he’s still in this room talking to me so there HAS to be something.  I squinted one eye.  “You don’t know that it’s good enough?  But it might be?”  I was grasping at straws, I knew that. 

“Kel, if you loved me, how could you do this to me, to us?”

I know he’s got a point and a valid one at that. I look down and think for a moment. This is it. What I say now will determine if there is an ‘us’ or not. I drop any walls or facades that are between us.

“Johnny.”

“Kel.”

“I don’t deserve a second chance, I get that, really I do, more than you even know,” I hold up my hand to stave off his protest.  “But I am asking you for one, if I ever meant anything to you, I’m asking for another chance.”  I’m being a bastard and I know it. 

“You mean the world to me, Kel,” I smile at his use of present tense. “You always have.”

“Your terms or your time frame,” I smile at him. “You set the guidelines and I’ll follow them, no matter what. I’ve never asked you for anything until now and I’m willing to beg if that’s what you need me to do.”

“I don’t know, Kel,” he whispers. “I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust you again.”

I reached for him. “But you’ll never know unless you try...”

He gave me a wary glance but allowed the touch. I can tell he’s weighing his options and he knows he’s got the upper hand. No one will blame him for walking away from this, from us. He’s the one who’s stayed on the straight and narrow, so to speak. He’s the one that’s loyal to the end. He’s the one whose ability to forgive is legendary to those who know him. He’s the one looking at me with so much raw emotion I nearly stagger under the weight of it. My future and my happiness teeter on him, this moment, what action he’s going to take this night.

I stand there and wait. I cannot and I will not rush him on this. As I promised, it will be his time and I will wait as long as it takes. I can see his anger melt a bit, it’s still there, don’t get me wrong and will be for some time to come, but it retreats and I see hope creep forward a bit.

He clears his throat and looks at me. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispers to me and I lower my head in resignation. I feel his fingers rest at my chin. “But I’m willing to try.”

“That’s all I’m asking, babe, nothing more,” I smile at him and I feel the hope lift in me for the first time since I found him in my office. “I promise you won’t regret this.”

“I better not,” he replies.

“Oh, believe me, babe, you won’t,” I sigh as we continue to stare at each other. “You hungry?”

He flashed me THE grin.  Ugh.  This was going to cost me.

“Dinner.  Tonight.  Alfredo’s.”

“Okay.”  I agreed willingly. “Should I pick you up?”

“No, I’ll meet you there. This does not mean that we’re back together.  This means we’re having dinner.”

“No.  Not back together, yet.”He tried not to smile at my presumption, but I have to let him know I’m hopeful that we will be together. I believe and I have to make sure that he believes. If he doesn’t then what’s the point. “See, you’re the boss, babe.”

He walked around me and then around the desk.  “There will, in no way, be sex for you tonight.”

Ugh.  “No, none.”  Wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Be prepared for some major ass-kissing.”  He was behind me and whispered into my ear.  “Epic, ass-kissing.” 

Comprendo.  No problem.  He’s got a beautiful ass that I so enjoy kissing!

 

 

 

Epilogue:

Johnny sat back on his haunches frustrated.  He wiped the sweat off his brow and attempted to control his breathing. 

“This stupid fucking thing is not ribbed for my fucking pleasure, that’s for damn sure.”  He pulled the ring of latex back down and pushed forward into me once more. 

“Ugh . . . god, Johnny, will you quit bitching and keep fucking already.” 

“Well, that’s what I’m trying to do. . . ugh, fuck.”

“Try harder.”

He pushed against my knees and leaned in giving him more purchase.  The next slam took my breath away.  He smiled down at me satisfied with himself.  “That hard enough?”

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.  “That all ya got?”

He smirked.  “Is that a challenge?”

I lifted my head off the pillow and caught his bottom lip between my teeth, I kissed him and dropped back making my muscles go as lax as I could.  “Show me whatcha got.”  I knew I was going to regret it. 

He hooked his arms around the back of my knees and then raised up onto his feet and  grabbed hold of the headboard, essentially folding me in half. 

Yep, I’m definitely in for it.  Fuck.  

“UGH, JEEZUS . . . FUCK!”  The litany of obscenities I usually prescribe too is stalled since the air I would need to spew them forth is being thrust out of me from my toes.  I have an iron-clad, death grip on my husband’s biceps and my toes are curling of their own accord.  Fucking fuck! 

“Grab your cock.”

“Huh?”  I know he’s not trying to talk to me right now.  I will not hear a word he’s saying, he knows that. 

He does know that.  He took my hand and placed it on top of my own cock.  I get with the program soon enough and I stroke long, deep and fast. 

I knew it wasn’t going to take me long.  It definitely didn’t.  “Coming!”

“Right there with ya babe.”  I’m spilling all over us just as he thrusts impossibly deeper and stills inside of me.  My ass feels very tender as he strokes the last pitiful remnants into the condom buried deep. 

“Ugh . . . god, that was. . . Fuck!”  It takes a bit of blood flow for my brain to work and at the moment, my blood was otherwise occupied. 

We’re both dripping with sweat and breathless but neither of us wants to move just yet.  He collapsed on top of me and I wrap my legs around his hips and hold him. 

“When will the tests be back?”  He talks into my neck.  God, that makes me crazy. 

“Joe says tomorrow.”

“Can I come into work with you?  I’d rather we both found out together.”

“Sure.”

He lifted his head and looked into my eyes.  “I know that it’s negative.  Both of us.”

“Me too.”  I agreed.

“But if it isn’t, I still love you.”

God, he’s an amazing man.  “I love you too.”

“I’ll always love you.”

“What if my ass gets saggy?”

He smirked and pushed into me again.  “What makes you think it isn’t already?”

“What would you know with that tired, ol’ piece of meat.”

He laughed and kissed my nose.  “When it comes back negative tomorrow, I want you to start fucking me again.” 

I looked at him questioningly.

“I miss it.”

“I think a year is safer.”

“Kel?”

“No, Johnny.  This is not negotiable.  We don’t know what I did during that week.  We don’t know and I cannot. . . I will not put you in danger.” 

He sighed and thunked his head onto my chest.  I knew he was pouting. 

“Besides, there are other ways I could satisfy your hunger.”  I strategically placed both of my hands on his ass and pulled him apart teasing his opening with a dry finger. 

He looked back up at me.  “I’m spent.”

“Yea, me too.” 

He sat back and pulled out gently.  “You okay?”

“Yep.”  A light slap to my ass was my signal to move my leg out of his way before he plopped down next to me and we comfortably found our way into each other’s arms. 

“You ever wonder about that night?”

“Which night?”

“Whichever one when you woke up with the hickeys.”

“Sure, I do.”

“Well, what do you think about it?”

“I stew about it.  I try to remember it but I can’t.  I hate that it happened . . . whatever happened but there isn’t anything I can do about it.”

“So . . . that’s it?  You just let it go?”

“Does it bother you?

“Sure, it bothers me!”

Oh!  He said it with such vehemence, it knocked me off guard a little bit. 

“It bothers me that someone touched you at all . . . let alone did . . . THAT.  Yes!  It bothers me!  It sucks.  I mean, who would do that with someone barely conscious?  What kind of sick fuck would do that?”

“Johnny, please.  I’d rather not think about that.  I think I’d rather just be grateful that I’m still alive.”

He squeezed me harder.  “I’m definitely grateful for that.”

 

“Will you stop fidgeting?”

“I can’t.  Jeezus, how long does it take to walk to lab and back?”  Johnny picked up the scissors from my desk again and began opening and shutting them over and over, intently staring at the blades meeting and separating. 

“Oy vey!”

“I’m just wondering when I should start holding my breath.” He explained. 

Joe opened the door without knocking.  He always does. 

“Guess now is just as good a time as any.”  Johnny stood and walked around to my side of the desk grabbing my hand and squeezing tightly. 

Joe shut the door and walked toward us opening a folded up paper.  “I just got back from the lab fellas.”

Yea, we know.  We were the ones who insisted he get his ass down there to find our results.  Jackass!

“Johnny . . .”

I know I’m holding my breath.  The grip on my hand got tighter. 

“You’re negative.”

Okay. 

“Kel . . .”

Fucking say it already!!

“You’re negative as well.”

We both let out the air we’d been holding.  Dear god!  I could breathe again.   The massive, crushing guilt was finally subsiding a bit more and I could feel the weight on my shoulders subside that much more.  Never again.  Not EVER again will I put us through this.  The past six months have been the kind of hellish torture you see in movies.  Real people should not have to go through this stress. 

He’s holding me, I feel his body against me shake with relief.  I know the kind of to-the-core relief he feels and it’s cathartic.  He’s not letting me go.  His grip around me actually tightens. 

“Johnny?”

He nods his head in acknowledgement but makes no move to release me.  He’ll let go when he’s ready.

I nod to Joe and he winks before graciously ducking out of my office. 

 Johnny breathes in deeply from the crook in my neck.  I’ll just let him feel me for a while longer.  Let him know I’m not going anywhere. 

 

 

THE END

 


End file.
